Wednesday, April 3rd 2002
Mr. Artois, who had been fighting a long battle against cancer of the bulbous socket, died in the midst of writing a diary entry. He was found slumped over his keyboard by some bloke yesterday afternoon.
Friends and family are said to be surprisingly calm about the loss.
David Artois was born in Plumstead in 1975. He did bugger all up until the age of 25, when he started his own crumb recycling factory. However, the factory was dismantled by midgets after only a few months, and he was left penniless.
Not long after that, he married professional wrestler Randy 'Macho-Man' Savage. We asked Mr. Savage for his thoughts. "Who the hell is David Artois?" he replied. He then accused us of making it all up.
The mariage itself was a disaster, and the two divorced in the summer of 2001. Mr. Artois was later quoted as saying "I only married him for his money.. Oh, and his huge cock!"
On January of this year, he started an online diary. It was bollocks.
We will have more news and reaction to the death of David Artois tomorrow.