Spank that monkey!
I only managed to escape by using a technique I learned from an episode of the A-Team. I spent nearly my entire time in the coffin scratching at the lid. No, I wasn't trying to wear a hole in the wood. That would be ridiculous.
Instead, I'd scratched off enough splinters of wood to build a tank. It was then just a matter of ploughing through the side of the coffin. I was free!
But who put me there in the first place? Well dear reader, it was a coalition of sinister forces, with each member having their own motives for wanting me out of the way.
Firstly, there were the local farmers. They wanted me gone because I was molesting their cattle. .. Which is fair enough I suppose. From now on I think I'll stick to cats.
Secondly, there were the aliens. If you cast your mind back to before all this started, you'll remember that I wrote a number of entries mocking the existence of aliens. They took exception to this. Apparently, they're working really hard at the minute trying to improve their public image, and people like me really aren't helping.
And finally, there's Andrew.. Yes, Diaryland Andrew. Why would he want to bury me alive? Because I haven't bought gold membership. Simple as that.
Sorry.