That was until a few weeks ago... When I went fishing... Yes, fishing.
I know, you don't have to tell me. A man who is quite literally in mortal danger when in the vicinity of fish shouldn't even consider going fishing. I know. But when it's your boss who invites you, you don't say no.
Especially when there's the chance of a promotion.
And anyway, I wasn't actually going to catch a fish was I? I'm a beginner.
Unfortunately, I'd forgotten about that phenomenon known as beginners luck. Not only did I manage to catch a fish, it was a huge specimen. My boss wasn't too pleased, as he only managed to catch a cold. Never upstage your boss.
I tried to offer him the fish as a gesture of goodwill, but that just offended him even further. Suffice to say I didn't get the promotion.
So here I am, stuck in the same old job, with a fish I can't eat clogging up my freezer. Oh well, those hacker chaps are supposed to pick it up later in the week, so at least I'll be rid of that.
In case you're wondering, I work in the admin department of a company that manufactures paperclips. We're the second biggest producers of paperclips in Britain.
Generally speaking, I get on well with everyone in the office. However, there is one person who is starting to get on my nerves. She's my boss's secretary.
Now I'm by no means a prude, but this girl pushes the limits of decency. Last week I found her in the stationary cupboard with the office junior. He's only 16! She's 42!
But that's not all. It seems she's slept with every man in the office. My male co-workers have described to me every disgusting act she's ever performed. She's so easy people have started refering to her as 'Miranda the Motorcycle'.
It gets even worse. This morning I saw her fondling the man who sells the Big Issue outside our building.
Now normally, I could ignore this sort of behaviour...
But she is my wife.