It's my honour to introduce a man that has entertained Diaryland readers for seconds at a time. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome David Artois!
Thank you Michael. It's a pleasure to be here.
What made you give up on the diary?
Drink and drugs. I just couldn't afford any. Do you know what it's like trying to be funny when you're stone cold sober?! It's virtually impossible.
So you had financial problems?
Yes. I had toyed with the idea of charging people to read this diary on a pay-per-laugh basis, but my agent told me it wasn't technically feasible.
You have an agent?
Well, not so much an agent, more of a voice in my head that tells me to do stuff. For instance, it's telling me right now to eat your liver.
Eat my liver?! Er..
Oh don't worry Michael. I don't like liver.
Uh, okay. What has changed in your life to enable you to return to writing?
My underpants. I am wearing a brand new pair for the first time in years. It's such a relief to sit down in front of a keyboard without that awful smell wafting up towards my nose. That disgusting stink would make my eyes bleed!
What did you do with your old pair of underpants?
I've put them to good use. Those babies have been fermenting around my private parts for years! I've made an alcoholic beverage that would blow your nadgers off! And then there are the mushrooms..
Er, yes. Moving on.. What can your loyal readers expect in the future?
In one word Michael, disappointment.
I see. Well thank you for joining me you gorgeous piece of manhood. Can I have your babies?
No. I've eaten them already.